Should My Child Forgive or Retaliate?

02/04/2009| IslamWeb

There are two different upbringing-related attitudes which are adopted by families. Some parents teach their children not to leave their rights and to pay their abusers back twofold. While others prefer tolerance, forgiveness, and ending quarrels.

Each party has reasonable grounds. Families who teach their children to treat others in the same manner justify their attitude that their children will grow up strong and feared. Tolerant people, on the other hand, summarize their reason in one sentence (which means), {Kindness is ever better.} [Quran 3:159]

Tolerance or Retaliation?

This is an important question for parents whose child leaves the limited family circle to go to kindergarten or school. There, children interact and problems inevitably arise among them, something that lets the child return home daily with a complaint that a boy hit him, or a girl pushed him to the ground, or that so and so snatched his food. 

The questions remain: How should we bring up our little children? Will they be aggressive if we teach them to retaliate? Will they grow up to be weak and not feared by others if we teach them to be tolerant?

The following lines attempt to find an answer:

Parents' Different Opinions

Amjad ‘Abd Ar-Raheem, an accountant, says, “There are indisputable matters. One of them is that the child should learn how to retaliate. We are living in a time of power, and the ever-tolerant person would be misunderstood. He would be treated as if he is weak-minded and would be blackmailed and deceived. I teach my children to be tolerant, but only willingly. That is, they are in a position to retaliate, but they forgive for the sake of Allah The Almighty without being weak or humiliated."

Nabeel Sa‘eed, a lawyer, says, “I suffered a lot after I taught my son to retaliate. He no longer distinguishes between his brother and friends, and between his friends and me. He retaliates against everyone, even raising his hand to hit me when I censure him and returns his sister's abuse twofold. I hope it is not too late for me to correct this mistake. I forgot to teach him against whom exactly he should retaliate.”

Nahlah Mahmood, a housewife, says, “The problem lies neither in tolerance nor in retaliation, but in when the child should do either of them. For example, he should not tolerate anyone insulting his religion or morals, but he should not retaliate against the weak. It is not a matter of hard and fast rules. However, the child should be taught to distinguish between different situations and to behave appropriately in each.”

When I was Growing Up

Muhammad ‘Abdullaah, a first year prep school student, says,

My father taught me to be tolerant and forgiving since I was young. I would say, ‘May Allah Forgive you’, to anyone who wronged me. However, when I grew up, I felt that I was not retaliating in the proper way. When a schoolmate would quarrel with me, I would go to the social counselor to complain and she would take the due procedures. If the quarrel was repeated, I would go to the class head teacher who could discipline the student who had violated the proper behavioral conduct. When I had a problem with a friend, I would apologize to him if I was mistaken. If he was mistaken, I would forgive him once and twice, and the third time, I would complain to his father. If his father did not retaliate for me, I would retaliate for myself. My mother says to me, “Do not beat anyone, and say, ‘May Allah forgive you,’ instead so that you may be admitted into Paradise.” However, I like to retaliate against anyone who beats me unless he is my brother or friend, for I love and forgive them.

 

Teasing or Serious?

 

Muhammad, an 11-year-old in first grade at a prep school, says, “When some mates and I play together, one of them may hit me playfully. If he is just joking, I would give him a similar gentle hit, bearing in mind that he is my friend and would not hit me seriously. However, if other boys whom I do not know annoy me in school or on the street, I find it is necessary to take revenge so that they will not think that I am weak. This would also prevent them from annoying me in the future for no good reason.”

Girls' Tolerance

 

Moving on to girls, let us see if they are tolerant when they are young or whether they tend to retaliate as well.

 

Sarah, a six-year-old, says, “I cannot remain passive regarding any girl who takes my things or beats me. I must take back my things and beat her too. I try to go to the class teacher and complain to her, but she never helps me get my rights. What should I do, then?”

 

Aayah, who is five-years-old, is totally unlike her sister. She does not resort to beating her friends. She would approach the class teacher instead to get back her things or rebuke the abuser who beat her. Aayah adds, “Why should I beat any girl who beats me as long as the teacher does this for me?”

 

The Tolerance of the Prophet,

 

Dr. Ahmad Ash-Shahhaat Moosaa, Professor of Quranic Sciences at Al-Azhar University, says that tolerance is a noble Islamic moral. It is also a sublime etiquette of the believers, which they are ordered and encouraged by the religion to adopt. In addition, tolerance was an inherent part of the character of the Prophet, , who enjoyed the largest share of it.

 

The tolerance of the Prophet, , was an application of the verses (which mean):

• {Take what is given freely, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the ignorant.}[Quran 7:199]
• {And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter.} [Quran 2:159]
• {So forgive with gracious forgiveness.} [Quran 15:86]

 

Therefore, the Prophet, , was tolerant and generous, and would shun evil by means of good. He would give to those who deprived him, maintain relations with those who severed their relations with him and act favorably towards those who behaved badly with him. It is narrated that Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “Once when I was walking with the Prophet who was wearing a Najraani cloak with a coarse fringe. A Bedouin Arab met him and gave his cloak a violent tug. The man's tug left a mark on the neck of the Prophet . The Bedouin said, 'Command that I be given some of the property of Allah which you have, Muhammad.' The Prophet turned round to him and smiled, and then ordered that he should be given something." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] This is the most evident proof of his mercy upon his Ummah and his forgiveness of indecent Muslims.

 

Dr. Ash-Shahhaat adds that a more sublime example was on the Day of At-Taa'if. The Prophet, , went to At-Taa'if calling its people to accept Islam, but they incited their ignorant folk to hurl stones at him until he bled. The angel of the mountains then offered to fulfill any order that would be given by the Prophet, . The angel offered to destroy the two mountains over them. The response of the Prophet, , however, was: “Rather, I hope that Allah allows them to have offspring who will worship Allah alone without associating partners with Him.”

 

The Prophet, , was tolerant in all situations, even with his enemies and those who hated him. His attitude towards the Makkans on the day of the Makkah Conquest is no more than proof of his nobility, generosity, soundness of heart, and tolerance. They stood humbled before him and he had the power to inflict on them whatever he wanted. However, he said to them like what Yoosuf (Joseph), may Allah exalt his mention, said to his brothers (which means): {No blame will there be upon you today. Allah Will Forgive you; and He is the Most Merciful of the Merciful.} [Quran 12:92]

 

A Good Model

 

Love of revenge is the result of burning anger in any situation, which may end up with relationships beings severed. On the contrary, tolerance is a positive attitude, through which individuals become united with love, and amiability is fostered among them.

 

Within Limits

 

From the pedagogical point of view, Dr. Saamiyah Khidhr, Professor of Education at the Faculty of Arts, Ain Shams University, illustrates the idea of tolerance. She says, “Tolerance is an important and very serious matter, for we are in desperate need of less violence in society. Towards this goal, we have to spread the concept of tolerance among all people. It should be understood that tolerance is not humiliation or weakness, but forgiveness and forbearance with persons of unfavorable treatment. Tolerance, thus, is the quality of the strong.”

 

She adds, “Tolerance should be considered according to the situation. Unfavorable conduct in everyday matters like annoyances that occur in traffic jams or on board public transport are simple matters that should not quickly arouse our anger and annoyance. However, if it happens that someone is abused or offended without reason, the situation must be dealt with so that the abuser will not persist in his ill-conduct. Tolerance is to be adopted within certain limits and criteria in a way that does not lead to offending or humiliating one's pride.”

 

The Role of the Family

 

Speaking about the role of the family in instilling the value of tolerance in children at an early age, Dr. Saamiyah says that parents are role models for their children in everything. The family is the first cradle for a child and his basis in life. Parents, therefore, should be good models for their children by getting them accustomed to forbearance, forgiveness, and tolerance. This would help to lessen feelings of grudge and jealousy, and eliminate any troubles that may develop between their children and others.

 

The mother, however, should distinguish between simple matters when tolerance is suitable and other matters which lead to the loss of the child's rights. The tolerant child is pedagogically and psychologically healthier than the child who is accustomed to retaliation for any unfavorable situation that he experiences. The tolerant child always has a pure soul and bears no grudge toward others. This is because he does not occupy himself with the desire to take revenge against anyone who offends him.

 

Investigating the Reasons

 

Dr. Ahmad Ali Bideiwi, Faculty of Education at Hilwan University, is of the opinion that mentors should teach children how to forgive those who act unfavorably towards them. Children should not treat them aggressively, but return a bad deed with a good deed. They should also understand the Quranic verse (what means): {And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend.} [Quran 41:35]

 

In his book Your Child and His Psychological Problems, Dr. Bideiwi emphasizes that children do not have an innate disposition to retaliation and aggression. They would rather develop these attitudes due to imitating a role model or as a reaction to certain situations like self defense. Parents should search for the reasons behind their child's tendency to offend or abuse his peers or behind his surges of anger and desire for revenge. This may be motivated by imitating his peers, the desire to draw parents' attention, watching too many violent movies or deprivation, whether psychological or physical.