Wants to relate to her mother who never cared for her

15/03/2010| IslamWeb

Question:

When I was two years old, my father died. Thereafter, my mother got married to my stepfather and left me with my grandmother and aunt. She refused to look after me. Since then, I was raised and looked after by my grandmother and aunt. And I look up to them as my parents, and I love them very much. Throughout the years, my mother never showed up nor did she care. Consequently, I don't have any love for my mother, but I don't hate her either. My grandmother was kind and gave me everything I need. In other words, my mother is more like a stranger for me. I never miss her, as she left me when I was so small. I'm now 22 years old, studying at college.  Recently, my mother starting paying visits to my place, and she tries to be with me, but I don't have any interest in talking to her, if don't feel like she's my real mother. But my friends tell me I should not treat her like a stranger. I should try to love her.  I tell them why should I, so far, I have lived without her love, besides she has neglected me in the first place. Can you pleases tell me how to deal with this situation. Am I on the wrong side? How should I treat my mother? And how am I going to love her the way I should love a real mother?  

 

Fatwa:

 

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad is His Slave and Messenger.

 

In Islamic legislation, the position and status of the mother is very great as she has a great right on her children. She carried her children in her womb and breastfed them and nurtured them while they were very young. Allah Says (which means): {And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years, give thanks to Me and to your parents.}[Quran 31:14]

 

Indeed the Prophet was asked: "Who deserves my good company more?", and he replied: "Your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

 

So you have to be kind to your mother. The fact that she was negligent towards you should not be a reason for cutting relations with her. Indeed you did well by not hating her or harming her.

 

However, it is not permissible for you to neglect her or do anything that might make her feel that you are not interested in her, otherwise you are wrong. Besides, you have to endeavour to treat her well.

 

Among the things that would help you to love her is to remember the status and the position that the Islamic legislation has allocated to her, and remember that pleasing her is a means of living in eternal happiness in Paradise. The Prophet said: "A parent is the middle gate of paradise (i.e. the best), so if you wish you may lose it and if you wish you may preserve it (the mother's rank is highest of both." [Ahmad, At-Tirmithi and Ibn Maajah]

 

Finally, it should be noted that if the mother remarries she loses the right to foster her children, so this right is transferred to whoever is more appropriate of her female relatives, like the grandmother and the like. A woman came to the Prophet complaining: "O Prophet of Allah! I carried my son in my womb, I nestled him, hugged him and protected him within my arms, and I breastfed him, and his father who divorced me wants to take him away from me. Does he have the right to do so? The Prophet replied: "You have more right in fostering your child than your husband as long as you do not remarry." [Abu Daawood]  It appears that it is for this reason that when your mother remarried she left your fostering to your grandmother and aunt.

 

Allah Knows best.

  

Fatwa answered by: The Fatwa Center at Islamweb