My Child's Mistakes - II
03/06/2012| IslamWeb
In this article, we will complete the guidelines of behavioral change to be followed so that we can make a real change in the behavior of our children, and convince them to help us make that change.
5- Listen to him attentively.
In order for the adolescent to tell you about what is in his/her mind, you have to listen to him/her well to the end. By so doing, you would be able to make an accurate assessment of the situation, on the basis of which you would suitably direct him/her to the right course of action. You should note that Allah The Almighty has created two ears and one mouth for you so you can listen twice as much as you talk.
The skill of listening should be learnt, and there are ways to express to the adolescent that he is being listened to well, including:
1- To look attentively but not staring in the face of the adolescent.
2- To show understanding of what he is saying, by nodding the head and employing simple facial expressions showing the emotions, positively or negatively.
3- To reduce any factors that may interrupt the talk, such as to look at or engage oneself with something else other than the adolescent, or getting up to do something and then returning to him, or any similar action.
Here, the correct understanding of the meaning of the words the child or adolescent should be accurately verified, by raising the following questions which imply attention on the one hand, and confirm the correct understanding on the other hand:
1- Give me an example to illustrate what you want to say.
2- How do you feel about this situation? What would you like to do?
3- What is the significance of this word/movement/behavior?
4- How important is this incident?
5- Do you have anything else to say?
6- Give him freedom of choice
If you want to get a good outcome from the dialogue, let your child actually share it with you.
Why do you not give him an opportunity to share his opinion even in the manner in which he will be punished for his mistake and negligence?
Areas of choice:
A - The way of solving the problem
B - The amount, kind and duration of punishment
C - The amount and kind of reward, and how it is obtained
D - How to implement your command.
Beware of humiliating the adolescent, or dashing his hopes and ambitions on the rock of reality. Give the adolescent an opportunity to dream and try to realize his dream. Help him move forward, and do not frustrate him. Beware of accusing him of stupidity and lack of understanding.
To the parents who are "specialized" in ruining hopes and ambitions I say: Lift your hands from your children. If you do not support them in their hopes, at least, do not help the devil in ruining them and destroying their ambitions and dreams.
7- Reward for achievement and punishment for negligence
What is intended here is to teach the adolescent that there is no action without a corresponding reaction: if he does well, he will be rewarded; and if he does badly, he will be punished.
Rewarding is to give the adolescent what he likes and wishes for in a way that is equal to the work he has done. Similarly, the forms of punishment should be determined, such as to forbid him from something he likes, punish him with a verbal reproach or corporal punishment within the due limits of the Sharee‘ah (Islamic legislation), look at him (with a disapproving look), deprive him of some rights especially those promised to be given to him as a reward for achievement.
8- The door is open so come to us (at any time you like)
Since the gate of repentance will remain open until the sun rises from its place of setting, then, why should we close the gate of atonement in the face of our children? Why do we reject their repeated attempts at reform, but instead hasten to have them lose all hope?
9- Supplication
You should keep in mind that your invocation (of evil) upon your child is responded to by Allah The Almighty, as stated in the Prophetic Hadeeth (narration). What, then, would the case be if it is a supplication of good for him? Thus, do not let this opportunity escape you, but stick to it and persevere instead.
You should have a good assumption of your Lord that He will respond to you (as confirmed by Him in His Saying what means): {And your Lord Says: "Call upon Me; I will respond to you."} [Quran 40:60]
10- A compassionate paternal touch along with a motivating word
To touch the hair of the head and the face, to kiss, to embrace the child, and say to him such words as “I want to understand you”, “I am proud of you”, “I am here whenever you need me”, “I love you”: and other such words motivate children to strive their utmost, even though they cost you nothing.
Points to Remember:
The girl: If a girl does not find the love of her father, she will search for it in a different place, and will accept anything, since she cannot distinguish good from bad.
The boy: If the boy does not find sound love in the surroundings of his family and environment, he will search for it outside; and the consequence of that is that he will resort to abnormal ways of expressing it, through his love for his companions, whether they are good or bad, or through illegitimate relationships.
May Allah The Almighty protect the youth of our Ummah (nation) from all evil.