Said to his wife "If I do this thing to you again, you will be like my mother"
23-6-2004 | IslamWeb
Question:
I want to stop doing something that hurts my wife and I promised her that I would not do it again. Unfortunately, I did not keep my promise and did it again. So I made a strong vow to her that if "I do this thing to you again, you will be Haram to me, like my mother." Unfortunately, I did it again. I want to know I made a vow for Zihar or not? If it is Zihar and I had intercourse with her before making expiation what will it is? In spite of that now I am fasting for 2 months and I will not stop fasting until I receive your fatwa. If I did the right thing by fasting, what about touching her or having intercourse before completing the expiation?
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.
First of all, we say that if the act the questioner promised his wife not to repeat is forbidden, then he has to refrain from doing it again by repenting to Allaah, the Most-High, as Allaah Says: {And all of you beg Allaah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful.}[An-Noor 24:31]
As for saying to your wife, "You are like my mother for me," then it is not clear from this expression that you are rendering your wife like your mother (Dhihaar). It could mean that your wife is like your mother in being forbidden for you, or it could mean that you are praising her by saying that she is very dear to you just like the mother is in terms of dignity and status.
If you meant with this expression (Dhihaar), that your wife is Haraam for you like your mother, and this is what is apparent from the expression, then it is as you said and you have to expiate for this. But if you meant that your wife is like your mother in dignity and status, then you are not required to do anything.
And if you meant that she is divorced, then she is divorced.
If you indented Dhihaar and did what you conditioned it on, then it is indeed Dhihaar and you have to expiate for it. If you had intercourse with your wife before expiating for it, then you still have to expiate for it, (but only once) according to the correct opinion of the people of knowledge.
At-Tirmidhi 
reported a Hadeeth which he classified as Saheeh (authentic) and which was reported as well by Ahlus-Sunan (the four books of Sunan) and Al-Haakim that Ibn ‘Abbaas 
narrated that a man came to the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam having made Dhihaar on his wife and having had sexual intercourse with her before expiating for it. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, asked him: "And what made you do that, may Allaah have mercy upon you?” He replied, "I saw her anklet in the moonlight." The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: "Do not touch (have sexual intercourse with her) until you do what Allaah has ordered you to do."
Therefore, based on the above, you should avoid sexual intercourse with your wife until you expiate for it, (with expiation for Dhihaar), and it is as follows according to a sequential order, Allaah Says (what means): {And those who make unlawful to them (their wives) (by Adh-Dhihaar) and wish to free themselves from what they uttered, (the penalty) in that case (is) the freeing of a slave before they touch each other. That is an admonition to you (so that you may not return to such an ill thing). And Allaah is All-Aware of what you do. And he who finds not (the money for freeing a slave) must fast two successive months before they both touch each other. And for him who is unable to do so, he should feed sixty Miskeen (poor).}[Quran 58:3]
Allaah Knows best.